You can’t solve a problem well if you’re using the wrong manual.
A lot of people come to therapy (or couples therapy) with some version of:
- “I keep doing this thing and I hate it.”
- “My partner keeps doing this thing and it’s driving me nuts.”
- “My boss says I’m ‘too much’ / ‘not enough’ / ‘too slow’ / ‘too intense’… and I’m fried.”
Here’s the catch:
The same behavior can come from totally different causes.
And if you guess the cause wrong, you’ll pick the wrong solution — then add shame on top of the original problem. (A classic human hobby.)
So here’s a surprisingly useful question:
Is this behavior more likely driven by complex PTSD… or by neurodivergence?
Because the “best move” is different.
Same Behavior. Different Engines.
Let’s take a few examples:
- shutting down during conflict
- getting irritable when plans change
- struggling with follow-through
- needing a lot of control to feel okay
- intense reactions that feel “too big” for the moment
- missing social cues, tone, timing
- avoiding tasks, then drowning in guilt
You can see all of these with complex PTSD.
You can also see them with neurodivergence (ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences).
Sometimes you get the bonus combo pack: both.
So here’s the core distinction:
Trauma-driven behavior is often a protective adaptation that got stuck “on.”
Neurodivergent behavior is often an operating-system feature — not a defect.
That difference matters.
If It’s Complex PTSD: Therapy Can Sometimes Shrink the Behavior at the Root
When a behavior is trauma-driven, it usually makes sense as nervous-system logic:
- “Not safe.”
- “Stay ready.”
- “Control things or something bad happens.”
- “Don’t show emotion or you’ll get punished.”
- “Don’t need help or you’ll get rejected.”
So the behavior isn’t random. It’s protection.
And the good news is: trauma-informed therapy can often reduce the threat response, which means the behavior can soften or sometimes disappear — not because you forced it, but because your system stops needing it.
That can look like:
- less shutdown or panic in conflict
- less hypervigilance
- fewer “bigger than now” reactions
- more flexibility and choice
- less compulsive control, people-pleasing, or avoidance
When trauma is the engine, healing the trauma can change the behavior at the source.
One crucial exception: sometimes the danger is still real
One important concept to add: if a behavior is driven by a trauma response, it’s possible the threat connected to that trauma isn’t just historical. Sometimes the danger is still present.
If someone is still living with (or regularly exposed to) the person, situation, or environment that created the trauma — ongoing abuse, stalking, harassment, coercive control, addiction chaos, unstable housing, an actively unsafe workplace, or chronic exposure to sexism, racism, homophobia, or transphobia — then the “symptom” may be a reasonable response to current conditions.
In those cases, trauma therapy alone isn’t enough.
Addressing the danger in the environment becomes critical.
Safety planning, boundary changes, support systems, documentation, and sometimes legal or organizational steps may be the real next step.
Because if the house is on fire, the goal isn’t better deep breathing.
The goal is getting out of the house.
If It’s Neurodivergence: “Fixing” It Might Be the Wrong Goal
If the behavior is mainly neurodivergence-driven, trauma therapy often isn’t the main lever — and can accidentally become a long, exhausting project of trying to “act normal.”
Neurodivergence isn’t a wound.
So the more effective approach is usually:
Stop trying to remodel the person. Start redesigning the fit.
That’s where accommodations and environment design are not “giving in.” They’re smart.
Examples:
- sensory adjustments (sound, light, textures, space)
- structure supports (routines, reminders, external planning)
- clear communication agreements (“say it directly,” “text first,” “don’t hint”)
- pacing and recovery time
- clearer roles and expectations
- changing the task, not the person
Sometimes the “problem behavior” isn’t a character issue.
It’s a mismatch between a person and their environment — and the environment is losing.
A Helpful Metaphor: Are We Treating a Wound… or Building a Ramp?
- Trauma work often treats a wound and restores flexibility.
- Accommodation often builds a ramp instead of demanding stairs.
If someone is bleeding, building a ramp won’t stop it.
If someone uses a wheelchair, wound care won’t help them climb stairs.
Different problem. Different move.
The Plot Twist: Even If It’s Trauma, Accommodation May Still Be the Best First Step
Even when the behavior is trauma-driven, the smartest move is sometimes accommodation anyway.
Why?
Because trauma work can be slow, intense, and costly. Meanwhile life is still happening. Jobs still exist. Relationships still trigger. Sleep still matters.
So the sequence might be:
1) Reduce harm and chaos now (accommodations, supports, clearer agreements)
2) Build capacity (regulation skills, pacing, boundaries)
3) Then do deeper trauma processing when your system has enough safety to tolerate it
That’s not “avoiding healing.”
That’s choosing the order that actually works.
Sometimes It’s Both — and That’s the Annoying One
Sometimes the behavior is driven by neurodivergence and gets amplified by trauma.
In those cases, a combination approach is often best:
Work on accommodation while doing trauma therapy.
This is also the most complicated and frustrating, because you’ll sometimes think:
“Okay, what’s the next step here? Fix? Accommodate? Process trauma? Rest? Push? Pause?”
This is where patience becomes a real skill — yours, your therapist’s, and the people around you.
Also: your environment can help you gather data.
Try questions like:
- “Do you notice this happens even when I’m not upset?”
- “Does it get worse on high-sensory days?”
- “Is it mostly around conflict / criticism / unpredictability?”
- “What helps — structure, downtime, clarity, reassurance, fewer demands?”
You’re not interrogating yourself. You’re running a simple experiment.
A Few Clues (Not a Diagnosis)
A behavior leans trauma-driven when it’s tied to:
- fear / threat / “not safe”
- abandonment, criticism, conflict, unpredictability
- reactions that feel “bigger than now”
- big shifts depending on whether you feel safe with the person
A behavior leans neurodivergent when it’s tied to:
- sensory load, transitions, novelty, executive function
- consistency across settings (even with safe people)
- clear improvement with structure and environment tweaks
- other people’s expectations of what’s “normal”
And yes: sometimes it’s both.
Bottom Line
If it’s trauma-driven, healing can create real change — not through self-attack, but through nervous-system repair.
If it’s neurodivergence-driven, change may not be the point — and the kinder, more effective move is often accommodation, redesign, and clear agreements.
Either way, the goal isn’t “be less you.”
It’s less suffering, less shame, and a life that fits.
Want help sorting this out?
If you’re trying to figure out whether a frustrating pattern is more about trauma, neurodivergence, or both, therapy can help you separate those threads without turning it into a shame project.
I work with adults across Oregon via secure telehealth. My style is steady, practical, and collaborative — and we’ll focus on what actually changes your day-to-day life: nervous system patterns, workable accommodations, and clear next steps.
If you’d like, reach out to schedule a brief phone consultation to see whether I’m a good fit.
